100 английских шуток

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Больше 100 английских шуток и анекдотов!

Joke 1. One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. Each of them bought a pint of Guinness beer. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, «SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!!!

Joke 2. An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: «woman without her man is nothing». The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
       The men wrote: «Woman, without her man, is nothing.»
       The women wrote: «Woman! Without her, man is nothing.»
Joke 3. Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called «Tickets, please!». One of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots’ ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen’s stall and called «Ticket, Please!» When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.


Joke 4. A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair. And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beautiful music they’ve  ever heard. After he’s finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks    the man: «Where do you have it from? It’s so wonderful.» And the man said: «I own a genie-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey,» he said to the bar keeper, «do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!» «Me?», the bar keeper asks. «I have a wish for free? Cooool!» Ok, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the meant lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the genie appears: «Ok, buddy. You have one wish for free.» And the bar keeper says: «I wanna have one million dollars!» The genie snaps his fingers and disappears, and all over the bottom are dugs. Small, yellow cackling dugs. And the bar keeper said to the man: «But I wanna have dollars, not dugs.» And the man: «Do you really think, I’ve asked for a 12 inches pianist?»

Joke 5. Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. «What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?» «Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!» the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. «Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.» «Saints be praised, I…» Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, «Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.» Soon the doctor delivers the next child. «You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.» «Thanks be to…» Again the Doctor cuts in, «Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!» Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection. «Doctor,» asks Mike, «Do you think it’s the light that’s attracting them?»


Joke 6. Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife,» Hurry up or we’ll be late.» «Oh, be quiet,» replied his wife. «Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?»


Joke 7. What is the longest word in the English language? «Smiles». Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!


Joke 8. An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man and exclaims: “May the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.» The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman. But the Englishman replies: ‘No thanks, I’ll just wait till the Police get here!»
Joke 9. Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Eric?» Jim asked. «Well, didn’t you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Eric. «Ah, praise God!» he replied with relief. «I thought I’d gone deaf!»
Joke 10. A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. «Wonderful,» says the mother, «What part is it?» The boy says «I play the part of the Scottish husband!» The mother scowls and says: «Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.»


Joke 11. Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

And more importantly, where is my hamster?


Joke 12. Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will

pick you up in 20 minutes.”


Joke 13. Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”


Joke 14.  Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.


Joke 15. I’m not happy with this and I’d like to exchange it please.

Come again? That’s your bank statement Mr Dibbley!

I said exchange it!!!


Joke 16. In a bakery:

Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”


Joke 17.  I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made                    a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!


Joke 18. Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and                        liquor section.  One nun asks the other if she would like a beer.

The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy

about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked

up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and

the first nun said, «This is for washing our hair.»  The cashier without

blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel

sticks in the bag with the beer saying, «Here, don’t forget the curlers.»


Joke 19. Q: Why did the baby elephant need a new suitcase for her vacation?

A: She only had a little trunk.


Joke 20.  Hippo 1: You look like you’re gaining weight.

Hippo 2: That’s very hippo-critical of you.


Joke 21. Sleep is a weak substitute for coffee.


Joke 22.  Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Very, very seriously.


Joke 23.  Q: Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee?

A: He was too jumpy!

Joke 24.  Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

Joke 25. Doctor: «I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.»

Patient: «What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!»

Doctor: «Nine.»

 Joke 26. A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field                     instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

                   The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even

                  catch the 4:11 one.”

 Joke 27.  Jack, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

Joke 28. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his                         bike away.

 Joke 29.  Mother: «How was school today, Patrick?»

Patrick: «It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!»

Mother: «Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will

you do at school tomorrow?»

Patrick: «What school?»

Joke 30. «Mom, where do tampons go?»

«Where the babies come from, darling.»

«In the stork?

Joke 31. Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”


Joke 32. Sleep with an open window tonight!

1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos

shared this. One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be

attending the event.


Joke 33. “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”

“Oh is she an alcoholic?”

“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”


Joke 34. I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.


Joke 35. Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!


Joke 36. A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“


Joke 37. Doctor: “Do you do sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.”


Joke 38. Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.

The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery,

Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me

win the lottery!  Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you

kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.


Joke 39. “You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount

on that car!”


Joke 40. A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”


Joke 41. Me and my wife decided that we don’t want to have children anymore. So, anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.


Joke 42. Police: “Open the door!”

Man: “I don’t want any balls!”

Police: “What? We don’t have any balls!”

Man: “I know.”


Joke 43. In a boomerang shop: «I’d like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?»


Joke 44. Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.


Joke 45. Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?”

Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”

Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”


Joke 46. Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?

Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?

Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.


Joke 47. Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.


Joke 48. Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.


Joke 49. I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.


Joke 50. I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.


Joke 51. A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.


Joke 52. A police officer stops a car.

Officer: “Your driver’s license please.”

Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.”

Officer: “At home?”

Driver: “No, to do it.”


Joke 53. Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.


Joke 54. I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately, I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.


Joke 55. Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager! “

Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”


Joke 56. So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!


Joke 57. I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.


Joke 58. “You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

“And smart, too!”


Joke 59. Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?

A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.


Joke 60. I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.


Joke 61. Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?

To avoid scenarios like: «Houston, we have a problem!»

«What is the problem?»

«Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!»


Joke 62. A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. «Ouch, I look like a pig!»

The man nods, «And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!»


Joke 63. A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body…. and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.


Joke 64. What goes up and down but never moves?

The stairs!


Joke 65. Little Johnny asks his father:

«Where does the wind come from?»

«I don’t know.»

«Why do dogs bark?»

«I don’t know.»

«Why is the earth round?»

«I don’t know.»

«Does it disturb you that I ask so much?»

«No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything.»


 Joke 66. Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, «It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with

me…” Wish granted.


Joke 67. They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.


Joke 68. Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, «My friend is dead! What can I do?»

The operator says «Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let’s make sure

he’s dead.»

There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says

«OK, now what?»


Joke 69. Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they’re really, really good at it.


Joke 70. We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was «Michael».


Joke 71. Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.  The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”


Joke 72. What is dangerous?

Sneezing while having diarrhea!


Joke 73. Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”


Joke 74. Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”


Joke 75. «Grandpa, why don’t you have any life insurance?»

«So you can all be really sad when I die.»


Joke 76. A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.


Joke 77. Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

The love of your life.

Liar! Chocolate can’t speak!


Joke 78. Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

«Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?»

«Go away! I’m crapping!»


Joke 79. Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women?

Because they’re bitter.


Joke 80. Q. What’s the worst thing about being lonely?

A. Playing Frisbee.


Joke 81. Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.


Joke 82. I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.


Joke 83. Patient asks his doctor: “Can I take a bath with diarrhea?”

Doctor: “Yes, if you are able to fill it up. “


Joke 84. Man: Hi, do you want to dance?

Woman: Yeah, sure!

Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!


Joke 85. My girlfriend says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary.


Joke 86. Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.

And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!


Joke 87. I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he

will not bother me anymore.


Joke 88. Daddy what is a transvestite?

Ask Mommy, he knows.


Joke 89. Q: Is Google a he or a she?

A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without

suggesting other ideas.


Joke 90. Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a

small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my


I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody



Joke 91. An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit.

A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing


The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.


Joke 92. Job interview in a psychiatry:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally

disturbed people?

I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.

Very good, the job is yours.


Joke 93. Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a

funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-

swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: «That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever

seen. You are a very feeling man.» The man, recovering himself, replies,

«Yeah, well we were married 35 years.»


Joke 94. Doctor: Your test results are showing you’ll easily live to be 80.

Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.

Doctor: See, I told you to live healthier!


Joke 95. A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”


Joke 96. Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.


Joke 97. Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”


Joke 98. Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.


Joke 99. One state official to the other: «I don’t know what people have against us — We haven’t done anything.»


Joke 100. Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the

door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from

under the blanket!  Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops. Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. «Oh welcome home darling,» he says, «my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello.»


Joke 101. Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.


Joke 102. Woman to her husband while at it: «Please say dirty things to me!»

Man: «Bath, Kitchen, Living room…»


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